the downside of who i am

yesterday i contemplated the two questions listed below for quite some time, writing out a list in textpad. i still need to dive deeper - my question remains unresolved. but as i dreamt last night, i was confronted with a side of my personality that is not always positive.

in my dream, a few of my old college friends, johnny, randy, and jeff had decided to take a course at another campus. we were in the classroom, but class had not begun. for some reason, the details are a bit foggy now, i began berrating johnny. i was, in fact, in full press judgment of him...condescending, mean-spirited, egotistic. i finally said something so offensive, so damning to myself, that i immediately felt my friends' and johnny's loyalty cease for me. i was shamed...embarrassed...shown to be unworthy of respect.

johnny left the room and my friends refused to acknowledge my presence. i knew that it was my fault and that, this time, no amount of apologies could make up for my foul treatment of someone i called a friend. eventually, johnny walked back the room with someone from his hometown...a towering person, 7 feet tall, etc. he threatened me and i acted cowardly, backing down and apologizing...showing more the baselessness of my accusations. i tried to talk around the person, to explain to johnny that i had overreacted, but the damage was too great.

not since childhood, but certainly since adolescence, i have had a tendency to judge people, i feel, much too harshily...to expect more of them than i would ever expect of myself. as i consider this period of my life, where i am reflecting upon who i am, what i want, and how i want to direct my life going forward, i know this is something i have to correct.

i cannot remember if i have stated it already, but i tend to face each new day with a certain amount of anxiety and apprehension. though i cannot be sure, i think it is more than the average person experiences. one reason for this could be that my judgment is tide toward a tendecny to abstract people; to, in a sense, make them archetypes and, as a result, less then fully human.

i think this happens a lot in relationships that have codified boundries...at work, church, your kids' ball practices. i think it is a human tendency to size someone up, put them in a category and keep them there. for me, that category is often one that is of a lesser quality than where i place myself. i do not know if this is typical, but it is not right. i will change. 

is it not a shame that i have only come to fully comprehend and work this stuff out in my mid 30s? oh well, at least it is happening.