20 years ago today

i suppose it's somewhat ironic, given my penchant for the beatles, that i title this entry as i have, but the beatles are not the reason for this post. it was 20 years ago today, october 26, 1985, that we lost our friend, Don. i say 'we' and 'our', because i know many of my long-time friends will and do check out this site. and, it is our loss. our pain. we think of Don, and we're back in the bandhall, we are standing in small circles and no one...no one...is saying a word. we are a baby's breath removed from childhood, and we can't comprehend what has happened. we don't know what to do. so we stand. silent. and wait for something to change.

 we've all contemplated why Don decided to end his life that night. the circumstances, the facts, they don't add up to the result. we tried to understand the logic then, as 14, 15, and 16 year olds. it didn't add up then, and it doesn't add up now. but, we do understand pain. and, at 34 years of age, i haven't forgotten that the pangs and trials of adolesence were accute. they did seem insurmountable. i imagine that, for most of us now, as adults, when we ponder the childish notion of a 'do-over', most of us would choose to go back to that night, to go over to Don's house and not leave. not until we are certain that his dangerous hour had passed.

i miss Don. i wonder the obvious: what kind of person he would've become...what vocation would he have selected, etc. and i wonder the less obvious: would we have remained friends through high school? would we still be in contact?

pointless, i suppose. but it is all i'm left with, when pondering his loss.